I've had this feeling rattling around in my head fairly recently and have wanted to type up something that the people I trust, and who might understand what I am feeling, can read.
Recently, I have been having this intense desire to be pretty. I don't feel like my body does not match the gender in my mind, but I've been feeling a strong desire to cross dress and appear physically pretty, where pretty is defined by what I find attractive.
Some of you probably saw my post about being jealous of people with androgynous people, and that is the crux of the problem. I have a very masculine body, by my definition of it, and could never be what I define as pretty. No amount of make up or clothing could conceal the fact that I have a very large stocky body type. This has nothing to do with my being over weight either. No matter how much weight I lose, I will always be a body type that would allow me to put on pretty cloths, put on make up, and look in the mirror and see my self as what I find pretty.
The real bothersome part of this is that if I had not read some story that I was reading to satisfy a fetish I have, I don't think I would be feeling this way. But the story awoke something in me that made me want to be pretty. I want to wear beautiful things and feel like I am beautiful, but physically that will never happen.
The positive part of what I have been feeling has given me a new found sense of empathy for, and a small, fractional sense of what the trans community is feeling. I do not feel like I was born in the wrong body, but I do not have the body I want.
It has become a small stressful though in the back of my head, and I just wanted to let the people who I trust to know how I have been feeling. I love all of you who I included in this. I know I free of judgement from all of you, and I am so happy to have all of you in my life.
Recently, I have been having this intense desire to be pretty. I don't feel like my body does not match the gender in my mind, but I've been feeling a strong desire to cross dress and appear physically pretty, where pretty is defined by what I find attractive.
Some of you probably saw my post about being jealous of people with androgynous people, and that is the crux of the problem. I have a very masculine body, by my definition of it, and could never be what I define as pretty. No amount of make up or clothing could conceal the fact that I have a very large stocky body type. This has nothing to do with my being over weight either. No matter how much weight I lose, I will always be a body type that would allow me to put on pretty cloths, put on make up, and look in the mirror and see my self as what I find pretty.
The real bothersome part of this is that if I had not read some story that I was reading to satisfy a fetish I have, I don't think I would be feeling this way. But the story awoke something in me that made me want to be pretty. I want to wear beautiful things and feel like I am beautiful, but physically that will never happen.
The positive part of what I have been feeling has given me a new found sense of empathy for, and a small, fractional sense of what the trans community is feeling. I do not feel like I was born in the wrong body, but I do not have the body I want.
It has become a small stressful though in the back of my head, and I just wanted to let the people who I trust to know how I have been feeling. I love all of you who I included in this. I know I free of judgement from all of you, and I am so happy to have all of you in my life.
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