I Almost Started Crying

While doing some window shopping, I was starting to get rather distressed about finding cloths to fit me. Women's cloths, even in sizes appropriate for my body, are designed for people with a naturally more curvy, less stocky body. I am so afraid of buying something and finding out it doesn't fit when it doesn't arrive. To make matters worse, I have no real interest in buying breast forms, so I couldn't find any bras designed to be there for appearance alone. But then I found Xdress. This website is my savior. The whole  thing is a collection of underwear, bras, and sleep wear made for the male body, but designed to look feminine and sexy. The more I looked through it, the happier I became, so happy I almost cried. I am going to order something from them, and if it works as I hope it does, I'm going to have to send them and e-mail to let them know how important what they are doing is.

Achieving the Look

So I've been diving headlong into look at cloths, mostly socks, and some dresses, as well as some underwear. Today's post wont be text heavy, but it is very picture heavy. I would love to hear what you like and don't like. I'll spare you all from the dong bulges I had to look through though, so except for one piece, there will be no underwear. You're welcome!
I would also like to know if anyone would like to go with me to Good will this weekend, or the weekend after. Before I really start buying skirts, I would like to get a better feel for what sizes to be on the look out for, and knowing Goodwill, I'll be able to find some good stuff too if I am lucky.

What's In a Name?

I'm trying very hard to keep nudity out of my blog, just to make it as accessible as possible.
I've been toying around with the idea of names, should I end up trying this whole thing and not wanting to use a clearly masculine name. I looked up female versions of my name, and there really isn't one. But on one of the pages I looked at, someone suggested Freya. It uses the same 4 last letter of my name (if it were spelled properly, and I have to admit, I really like it. It is such a beautiful name.
I'm feeling a general sense of excitement about all of this the more I think about it, and I cannot wait to try something on for the first time. I'm thinking of asking one of my friends to go shopping with me for skirts and leggings, maybe even some tops. I may just wear skirts and leggings with a t-shirt, since t-shirts just make me feel more comfortable. I want to do this soon, and maybe be Freya for a night at my birthday party.

Thoughts While I Should be Sleeping

I was having a conversation with my friend and I reminded myself that I have had an intense curiosity about the female body, about all the things that must feel different. Moving around, how their clothes feel, the slightly different ways their bodies move. How does it feel to have breasts jiggle? How different does sexual stimuli feel?  I have had thought like this for most of my life I realized, ever since I hit puberty. This conversation with my friend made me realize I definitely do not have body dysmorphia, but I have body envy. She said uterine envy, but my mind said no, but immediately figure out that what she said was partly right. It's envy of the whole body. It's breast envy, vaginal envy, curve envy. It's a deeply rooted curiosity about how a female body feels to that person.
Another friend asked me a question, and my response kind of goes along with what I've been saying with this post.

I woulr in a heart beat if there was a repeatable process that allowed me to swap between one or the other with little effort. I suppose a lot of people would. But most people might only use it once. I feel like I would change often, for whatever mood suited me. The word gender fluid has been floating in my head today, and maybe I am. I haven't given it much thought but it seems to fit.

My first expression

I've had this feeling rattling around in my head fairly recently and have wanted to type up something that the people I trust, and who might understand what I am feeling, can read.
Recently, I have been having this intense desire to be pretty. I don't feel like my body does not match the gender in my mind, but I've been feeling a strong desire to cross dress and appear physically pretty, where pretty is defined by what I find attractive.
Some of you probably saw my post about being jealous of people with androgynous people, and that is the crux of the problem. I have a very masculine body, by my definition of it, and could never be what I define as pretty. No amount of make up or clothing could conceal the fact that I have a very large stocky body type. This has nothing to do with my being over weight either. No matter how much weight I lose, I will always be a body type that would allow me to put on pretty cloths, put on make up, and look in the mirror and see my self as what I find pretty.
The real bothersome part of this is that if I had not read some story that I was reading to satisfy a fetish I have, I don't think I would be feeling this way. But the story awoke something in me that made me want to be pretty. I want to wear beautiful things and feel like I am beautiful, but physically that will never happen.
The positive part of what I have been feeling has given me a new found sense of empathy for, and a small, fractional sense of what the trans community is feeling. I do not feel like I was born in the wrong body, but I do not have the body I want.
It has become a small stressful though in the back of my head, and I just wanted to let the people who I trust to know how I have been feeling. I love all of you who I included in this. I know I free of judgement from all of you, and I am so happy to have all of you in my life.